Porn Star Jiz Lee started promoting International Fisting day at the start of this month, but I didn’t hear about it until Tuesday when I was asking a friend for ideas for blog posts. The first thing I did, of course, was to Google “fisting day.” On Tuesday, not many posts came up. Today, on International Fisting Day, that number has multiplied significantly.
I’m going to admit something that sort of makes me blush. A lot. The term “fisting” is one that didn’t enter my active mental vocabulary until relatively recently. Sure, I remember reading or hearing Susie Bright reminiscing about working on a movie as an advisor (I believe it was Bound?) She describes a fisting scene in the movie. It’s an important moment in film because it shows two lesbians in a very realistic way that hadn’t been shown before. While I could clearly imagine the physical act of fisting as she described the scene, the term ‘fisting’ itself was one that passed me by.
I actually had to Google the term “fisting” during the last presidential race. Remember the slip-up some news anchor had when she said “the Obamas even like fisting,” or something like that? Yeah. I know! And, being a mostly straight chick, the actual act of fisting was something I hadn’t really thought of much at all even after the giggles and links to the Obama thing had passed. I grew up in a conservative town with conservative parents (who, I’ve talked about before only really pretended to be sexually conservative.) If there was any talk about sex in the house, it was of very straight conventional cock in pussy sort of sex. I know my brothers joked about oral sex, but it was only one way around–girl on guy.
I think that the blog post by Jincey Lumpkin is a particularly moving and relevant post, and, rather than try to summarize her post, I’m just suggesting you read it. (really, click the link)
For people who were raised the way I was–fisting is hardily on the radar. And, that’s a shameful bit of ignorance. Fisting deserves a rightful place in the sexual vocabulary for all, and not as some side story meant to induce embarrassed, uninformed giggles. When my kids ask me how two women have sex, I will tell them. And, fisting will be part of the discussion.
I have just finished listening to Iris Krasnow’s “The Secret Lives of Wives.” A look at the author’s previous books and you can probably see a theme in her work and expect a pro-marriage argument. (Surrendering to Marriage, Surrendering to Motherhood.) There’s a whole lot of surrendering going on. When I started it, I fully expected a dogmatic defense of marriage based on “traditional American values” or some-such. The book focuses on women who have been in long term marriages–and by long term, I mean over 20 years. I picked it over at audible.com when I saw my credits were about to turn over and I’d start losing them. I HAD to buy something, quick, and the cover of the book and the title held promise. And the title is what pulled me in. We women all have secret lives, don’t we? I wanted to know what other secrets other women had. I wanted to compare them to my own. Are other women in my situation doing the same kinds of things I am doing?
Krasnow collected interviews from over two hundred women and highlights dozens of women who have been in long marriages. What keeps the marriage alive, vital and working? She states that not all the stories will resonate with each reader, but one or two probably will. I found myself alternating between shaking my head in disbelief and nodding in sympathy. There are plenty of women who have stayed in marriages that any reasonable sane person would have left, and with good reason. And, there are stories in this book that bring out some appaling notions about what is “natural” and what is not. The women who Krasnow interviewed are not all progressive, liberal thinkers who are just fine with modern notions about sexuality. But, one thing that seemed to come through for me was the notion that staying married requires two people. Two distinctly individual people. And, when women rely on their man to be their sole source of happines or whatever, then the marriage flails.
I’ve already, naturally, done a number of the things that women in long term marriages seem to do. When the kids started going to school, I started back into writing and pursuing writing as a career. Taking classes, going to conventions, tweeting, whatever it takes to get into the world again. That is, I am redefining who I am on my own terms as an independent person. I’m not sitting at home with the dinner ready hoping my man is going to walk through the door before it’s all dried out. My mom did that way too much, and I saw her ultimate disappointment at having a husband who was gone so much of the time.